Sunday, September 30, 2007

Perfect?

Okay, so it has been a while since my last posting, as so many of you have discreetly pointed out. So I'm turning over a new leaf, I will not require myself to have a photo with every post. I will just subject you all to my thoughts and ramblings from time to time. Here I go...
Julie, Jessica and I were talking about a blog of one of Jessica's friends saying they really enjoyed reading it because the woman was so real with her thoughts. Then today at church, the sermon was about labels that we give to people or give to ourselves. At the end of the sermon we were invited to come to the cross to give our labels a final resting place and learn freedom in the only label we need..."forgiven".
That got me thinking, what are my labels? In school I was always the "Honor roll student" and all around "good girl". In college I was "fun", "smart" and for the majority of the time "Andy's girlfriend". Then came the crisis of graduating and starting to define myself within the real world. I think the label that described the next five years best was "nurse". It was not only my profession, but my personality all rolled in one. Then I met this skinny, red-headed guy and fell madly in love and graduated to the labels of "fiance" and then "spouse". These were hard for me because the attached me to another person. I felt I no longer had my own identity, but was always considered in context of my marriage. That's when I started to really try to achieve the label of "perfect". At times I wanted to extend that to Ryan (which is totally unfair, I realize this, but as I stated earlier I felt that I was only seen in context of my relationship. None of this was a result of anything Ryan said or did, he never labeled me as anything other than "Kara". God was so wise in sending him to me!). Then God rocked my world again and I became a "mother". This label is so weighty at times I feel crushed by the responsibility of it. "Perfect" seems so far away.
Guess what? I lose my temper at times at this amazing little gift from God, Natalie. I lose my mind at times from being tired beyond any tired I have every felt before. I don't clean my house with any sort of regularity, in fact my daughter frequently finds and eats days old Cheerios off the floor and it doesn't bother me. I have actually not had time to shower for days, and I don't remember what my face looks like when it has make-up on every day. I opt for pants instead of skirts or shorts many times because shaving my legs seems like such a time waster. I'm not a great wife to my husband all the time, I try and fail over and over. I want to be a size 6, but I am never going to be, and that gives me such a feeling of worthlessness at times it is crazy. I mean, there are people starving to death, homeless, or have suffered horrible tragedies, and I'm obsessed with the number on the tag of my jeans, get real. I love going to work some days because there I'm not "Natalie's Mom" I'm "Kara" (but I love my days off too where there is nothing better than being "mom"). So now you now my deep dark secrets and I am dropping my endless effort to be "perfect". I'm tattooing the label "forgiven" right across my forehead and embracing all that it means.
So, what are your labels and who put them there? Are you carrying a label around that you got as a child and hasn't applied in decades but haven't been able to peel off? I know it will be hard to not go back to my old insecurities when I feel like others are judging me and my family. Please give me a nudge if you feel me heading in that direction. I can always use the support of my family and friends.
Lastly, I need a new name for my site since it really is just "She says" something every 2 months. I promise to get better! Let me know what your ideas are!